Birds of a Feather
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Xander's road trip takes a turn for the weird as he finally escapes Sunydale for the summer only to find the outer world is even stranger than he'd imagined outside of his favorite comics.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any property claimed by any media company used in this story.  
**

Xander noticed the change as soon as he passed the city limits it was like he'd spent his entire life with his head wrapped in gauze and cotton, not only in his ears but in his brain as well, and someone had just removed it. It reminded him of the way he could see, hear, and smell things when he'd been possessed by the hyena spirit except there was a distinct lack of aggressive urges and he didn't feel any stronger than normal.

Hearing some disturbing noises from under the hood, Xander took the first exit he could find and looked for an auto mechanic. Spotting a wrecking yard he pulled in. "Close enough," he muttered.

The first surprise was the size of the place. It seemed to stretch on and on in the distance. The second surprise was the fact that the sign read Shady Cove Automotive Museum and DMV.

Parking, he got out and smiled at the wave of warmth that rose from the asphalt, which replaced the warmth that had vanished with Sunnydale. He hadn't realized he was cold until that moment.

Entering the office he found it looked a bit like a warehouse and there was an old man leaning on the counter, watching a small black and white TV, who looked up when he entered. "Morning young'in, what can I do for you?"

"My car is making some strange noises, so I thought I'd get it looked at," Xander explained.

"Well let's go take a look," the old man said cheerfully.

When they got outside the old man whistled. "I haven't seen one of those on the road in at least 20 years. Pop the hood and let's have a look."

Xander popped the hood and the old man raised it up and looked inside.

"Yeah, while the engine could do with a rebuild it's the engine mounts that are going to go first and by first, I mean the first pot hole you hit." He pointed out the rusty and corroded mounts holding the engine in place with his free hand.

Xander looked over his shoulder and winced as one actually snapped as they were standing there.

"I think you're in the market for a new vehicle," the old man said with a chuckle.

"Damn, I was planning to see the US and that's going to be a bit tough unless you have some really cheap vehicles," Xander admitted.

"You get what you pay for," the old man said with a shrug, letting the hood drop back down. "Have you considered a motorcycle? It'll stretch your gas budget about tenfold and let you go places cars won't."

"No license," Xander admitted.

"It's easy to learn and since I'm also the DMV clerk for this little no horse town I can get you licensed in minutes."

Xander perked up. Like most guys he'd always wanted to have his own motorcycle. "How much do bikes run?" he asked with a little cautious optimism.

"From cheap to expensive," the old man replied. "Of course the best deal is my 'five hundred dollar build your own' deal."

"Build your own?" Xander asked.

"I've got everything you need to build a bike scattered across my twenty acres. So go find the bits you need and build your own. Heat and boredom get most people, so I end up with half built bikes and they buy one of my completed ones."

"I don't suppose you have a map with everything listed?" Xander asked.

"Nope, though you can buy parts from me if you can't find them, and if you give up you can turn in a partially completed bike for a five hundred dollar discount on one of the bikes I have for sale."

Xander laughed. "So it's a chance to build a bike and if I fail I really haven't lost anything but a little labor and time, and you get a ½ finished bike you can finish and sell?"

"Exactly," the old man replied cheerfully.

"Can I borrow a truck or golf cart to drive around the lot in?"

The old man grinned. "Would you believe most people don't even bother to ask for that?"

Xander smiled. "My uncle runs a wrecking yard."

The old man tossed him some keys. "Flatbed truck in the back with tools."

 **Five Hours Later…**

Xander pulled his bike around to the front and the old man whistled when he saw it.

"Nice work. Looks a mite heavy, but you'll adapt. Now let's get you on the track so I can run you through the licensing requirements."

 **An hour later…**

The old man examined the bike one more time. It looked to have been constructed from blue steel and chrome and the tires were solid disks with a featureless black surface you'd think would give no traction but clung to the road like tar. The seat was covered in white leather and the fenders and engine cover in a smooth black material that looked vaguely insectoid. The gas tank had a raised Superman logo as a gas cap on its gleaming silver surface and the built in fuel gauge read full.

"Someone abandoned a half-wrecked bike in a pile of unsorted stuff or I'd have taken a bit longer," Xander said shaking his head. "The hard part was finding the right tools for all the specialty bolts and getting some of the pieces to line up."

The old man only knew of one unsorted pile and that was all debris from the various local disasters dealing with invaders or super villains, waiting for the Justice League to get off their lazy asses and collect it. "Were the tools also in the pile?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm probably going to need them as well. Will an extra fifty do?" he asked hopefully, as most of them looked pretty high tech and probably would cost an arm and a leg from a specialty store.

"Sure," the old man replied easily. It was no skin off his nose and he wasn't getting paid to store it all anyway. "Let's get you a plate and a license."

Xander was shortly on his way with a California plate that read Bob Fet on the back of his bike.

Xander made sure to keep pace with the surrounding traffic as the speedometer was in the same language as the heads up display in his helmet, which he was still figuring out. He'd counted himself lucky the old man had let him keep the riding gear he'd found, even if it looked a bit like cosplay armor, considering what he'd found with it, it probably was cosplay armor. He'd been tempted to use the skull from the fake skeleton it was on to decorate his handlebars but felt it'd be a bit much. He'd kept the skull just in case he changed his mind later.

LA traffic ensnared him when he hit rush hour and everything slowed to a walking pace so he puzzled out the radio controls on his helmet and picked up the strangest radio play.

"This is the Channel Six news team on the scene where Black Manta is currently holding the governor hostage having grabbed him during the start of the summer regatta. Aquaman has just appeared-"

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"What do we have on him?" Aquaman asked as he looked at the still form in the infirmary of the JLU.

"Alexander LaVelle Harris, age 19. He's from Sunnydale California, a town which is an enigma in and of itself," Batman replied. "He just received a motorcycle license not quite four hours ago. Everything else we know about him is from physical observation. He was wearing Yautja armor and carrying a Thanagarian axe. He has scars that we can't identify the source of beyond large and claws. Best guess at this point is he ran into a Yautja who took him as a hunting partner for some reason."

"And the reason he attacked Black Manta and almost killed him?" Aquaman asked, not sure how he felt about the situation, as Black Manta was responsible for a number of deaths but wasn't sure simply killing him was justice, no matter how often he'd thought about doing just that.

"That would be your doing," Batman said.

"What?" Aquaman asked confused.

"You called up the local sea life and ordered it to attack right?"

"Yes…" he admitted wondering where Batman was going with this.

"His DNA has been altered to encompass genes from several different aquatic species including an unknown source that could be a distant offshoot of Atlantean."

"So he was affected by my telepathic call," Aquaman said surprised.

"Yes, and you ordered him to attack, so he did, with a Thanagarian axe."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Robin and the rest of the Teen Titans watched as Batman and a dark haired teen with a black eye materialized in the living room of Titan Towers.

"Hi," Xander said giving a friendly wave that only Starfire responded to.

"Why did you want him to stay here?" Robin demanded, ignoring Xander.

"I'm kinda curious about that myself," Xander admitted. "Why am I doing this?"

"You need training to prevent a repeat of today's events and to avoid prosecution," Batman said bluntly.

"Prosecution?" Cyborg asked raising an eyebrow.

"Not my fault the DA is in someone's pocket," Xander replied with a shrug.

"Are you claiming to be innocent?" Batman demanded.

"Nope, but I don't consider the death of a mass murderer a crime, even if I wasn't being controlled at the time. The only way I would be prosecuted for his death is if someone in power was trying to railroad me," Xander said reasonably.

"And the Thanagarian axe?" Batman demanded.

"Legally mine and you can't prove otherwise. I'll expect it's return when I leave here," Xander said firmly. He'd thought it was just part of the cosplay outfit, but it fit his hands perfectly and had been remarkably effective against Black Manta's armor.

"The Justice League-" Batman began.

"Doesn't have the legal authority to keep any of my possessions," Xander interrupted. "I agree with keeping it out of my hands while I can be controlled by others, but once I'm no longer Aquaman's bitch, I'll expect all my property to be returned to me."

"Aquaman's bitch?!" Beastboy exclaimed.

"You know how blondy can telepathically control sea life?" Xander asked.

"He has a partial DNA graft of Atlantean DNA," Batman interjected. "It makes him vulnerable. And I still don't have a decent explanation for that."

"Swim team coach went nuts, that's all you need to know," Xander said flatly.

"We'll see," Batman replied before tapping a button on his belt and vanishing.

"So what happened?" Robin demanded.

"I was driving along minding my own business when the next thing I know I'm in the infirmary on the Watchtower. Apparently Aquaman's telepathic command to 'stop him' was translated as 'chop up with axe'. "

"Dude, you count as sea life?" Beastboy asked.

"I had an insane swim team coach who screwed with the DNA of the entire team using a variety of sources. I was one of the only ones who survived and didn't become a mindless monster."

"What happened to the swim coach?" Robin demanded.

"Tragic story of monster devoured by his own creations," Xander replied with a shrug.

"You don't sound that broken up," Robin accused.

"Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent," Xander said daring Robin to argue. "If you save the life of a mass murderer you bear some of the guilt for his future crimes."

Robin repressed the urge to groan. This had 'long day' written all over it.

 **Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	2. Chapter 2

"So, you need training to resist telepathic attacks?" Raven asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Unless Aquaman is going to hire me as his personal assassin and offer me diplomatic immunity, I think it's my best option," Xander replied.

"I can't see him doing that," Beast Boy said clearly a little freaked out.

"Hence the training," Xander replied.

"Are you a dark arts practitioner?" Raven demanded. "Because I sense a lot of dark energy clinging to you."

"Never cast a spell in my life," Xander said honestly. "Been affected a couple of times because of someone else casting spells, had spells cast on me directly by others, but never cast a spell in my life."

"I can sense you believe that, but I have met demons that have cleaner auras," Raven said with a shudder.

Xander shrugged. "Not my job to convince you."

An alarm sounded and red lights started flashing.

The titans all pulled out octagon-shaped devices that looked a lot like the hand-held communicator the turtles used in TMNT. Xander briefly wondered who decided on the design, and if they were a TMNT fan.

"Hive is up to their usual tricks!" Robin exclaimed. "Titans, Go!" Robin paused and turned to Xander. "Don't go anywhere!" he commanded before sprinting off, followed by most of the others.

"Bathroom's across the hall, remote's probably under the sofa, and avoid the meat in the fridge if you're allergic to tofu. We should be back in a couple of hours," Cyborg quickly rattled off before sprinting away, leaving Xander standing alone in the Titan's living room as the alarms shut off with a click.

"Could have gone better, could have gone worse," Xander said to himself before turning and searching under the couch for the remote.

The enormous, wide-screen TV behind him turned itself on; revealing an overweight teen with pimples and huge side-burns. "Greetings, Titans! It is I, Control Freak," he called out.

Xander spun around, but relaxed on seeing the teen, who wouldn't look out of place hanging out with Andrew and Jonathan. "They're not here, and I don't expect them back for a couple of hours," Xander told him, taking off his jacket and tossing it on the couch.

"But I had everything planned!" Control Freak whined as he stepped out of the TV and then froze as he looked at Xander's shirt. "Why is your shirt covered in blood?"

"Relax, it's not mine," Xander said.

"That doesn't make it better," Control Freak complained nervously. "Are-are the Titans OK?"

"The Titans are fine," Xander assured him. "They went to deal with something called Hive."

"And the blood?" Control Freak asked again nervously, fingering his remote.

"Some guy called Black Manta bled all over it," Xander explained.

"Um...," the young man swallowed heavily. He'd seen the news reports on that but had expected the man inside the armor to be a lot bigger.

"Relax," Xander told him. "Unless you've done something to make Aquaman want you dead, the odds of him ordering me to kill you are just about zero."

"OK," Control Freak said, looking relieved. "Aquaman ordered you to murder someone?" he asked curiously.

"Black Manta had declared war on Atlantis a couple of times, and Aquaman is their king, so technically it was a military action rather than a murder," Xander replied as he looked under the sofa. "Where is the remote?"

"Look under the cushions," Control Freak told him. "Remotes like to nest in sofas."

Xander started flipping over sofa cushions, finding: several dollars in small change, a pair of green underwear, a pizza in its box-smashed and moldy, and the remote. "Got it," Xander said, piling everything on the table.

"Are those Starfire's or Raven's?" Control Freak asked, staring at the panties with hearts in his eyes before shaking his head and looking embarrassed. "Sorry, that was way too creepy, wasn't it?"

"I've seen worse, and at least it's superhero panties and not just some run of the mill ones," Xander offered.

"Plus, I had to cross through two animes and a hentai cartoon to get here," Control Freak said, feeling a bit better.

"How does that work?" Xander asked, curiously.

"You want to know how I do my thing?" he asked, surprised.

"Who wouldn't?" Xander replied, thinking about the kind of vacation he could plan if he were able to step in one TV and out another, thousands of miles away.

"You are like the first person to ask me," Control Freak said.

"You're kidding," Xander replied wondering why no one would clearly ask about something that useful.

"Seriously," the villain replied. "No one has ever asked."

"Well, I'm asking," Xander said. "I mean, can you travel the world in an instant, put yourself in the main role of your favorite movie, or pull things out?"

"All of that and more," Control Freak said, happy that someone was interested in what he did.

 **0oo0o0o0o0o0**

The Titans returned, looking a bit battered but in a good mood.

"Dude, did you see the way I mule-kicked Mammoth?" Beast Boy asked proudly. "Boom, right into the water!"

"It was a glorious battle!" Starfire enthused.

"Is that pizza?" Cyborg asked, sniffing the air.

"I thought I told you not to leave this room!" Robin growled out.

"I found the remote in the sofa, along with a bunch of change and a pair of green underwear," Xander replied, ignoring Robin.

"You found my Speedo?" Beast Boy asked hopefully, while the rest of the Titans shuddered.

"And traded it for a dozen pizzas and a pair of fingerless gloves," Xander said, waving a gloved hand at the stack of pizza boxes.

"Works for me," Beast Boy said, rushing over to grab a box.

"Who delivers pizza to Titan's Island for a Speedo, and in several different boxes?" Robin questioned as he scanned the boxes and saw that some of them weren't even in English.

"Some guy called Control Freak," Xander replied. "He saw my blood-stained shirt and was worried I'd done something to you guys, but once I explained he calmed right down and helped me find the remote."

"Probably wanted a souvenir," Cyborg said while grabbing a box for himself.

"And he just happened to have a dozen pizzas on hand?" Robin asked suspiciously.

"Nah, I borrowed his remote and pulled them out of some pizza commercials," Xander explained. "Had to flip around a bit, but you guys got all the channels."

"Dude, don't we have some of his remotes?" Beast Boy asked Cyborg excitedly.

"They don't work for normal people-we tested them," Robin reminded him, grabbing a slice of pizza. "They probably only worked for Xander because Control Freak was with him."

"Back to introductions," Cyborg ordered. "Tell us about yourself," he told Xander with a friendly smile.

"Not much to tell," Xander said with a shrug.

"Your mention of magic and possessions say otherwise," Raven noted dryly.

"And the swim thing," Beast Boy mumbled through a mouthful of pizza.

"Yeah, but I tell you, you tell Batman, and he has one fewer ulcers," Xander pointed out.

"But Batman is of the good," Starfire said confused. "Why would you wish him ulcers?"

Xander winced. "Please don't use the w-i-s-h word around me, and Batman has been a dick to me, so I have no intentions of making his life easier."

Robin frowned, but looked thoughtful rather than angry.

"So, what can you share about your past?" Cyborg asked.

"Just graduated from high school and I wanted to see something more than my hometown. Didn't get very far before running into Aquaman," Xander replied.

"Any hobbies?" Beast Boy asked.

"Never really had time," Xander admitted. "Even the whole swim team incident was because we were investigating what was killing the members of the swim team."

"Did you spend a lot of time investigating crimes?" Robin asked curiously.

"Mainly missing persons and homicides," Xander replied. "Sunnydale may be a small town, but it has big city aspirations. It's kinda like someone distilled Gotham and gave it a suburban make-over."

"That sounds... disturbing," Raven admitted.

"Yeah, and the police make the Gotham PD look honest," Xander added.

"Why hasn't the place imploded already?" Beast Boy demanded.

"Because hell is exothermic," Xander replied cheerfully.

Raven snickered, causing the Teen Titans to stare at her. She blushed and said, "What? It was funny!"

 **Typing by: Ordieth**

 **AN: I wondered why I couldn't find part 2!**


	3. Chapter 3

"So what do you do?" Beast Boy asked Xander. "Besides kill supervillains I mean," he added tactlessly, wincing when he realized what he'd said.

Xander laughed. "Don't worry about it, I'm not going to shed a tear that an unrepentant mass murderer has died by my hand."

"That makes you no better than he was!" Robin snapped out.

"Really?" Xander asked. "Do you want to get off your high horse and go tell all the police officers who have been forced to take a life in the line of duty how they're no better than Hitler or Stalin?"

"You were not a police officer acting in the line of duty," Robin said with a glare.

"No I was not," Xander agreed. "I was a mind controlled victim who was forced to kill by the sovereign king of another country while in battle against someone who had declared war."

"Most people would require counseling to get over their feelings of guilt," Raven said dryly, trying to get a feel for his emotions.

"Most people haven't been mind controlled before and come to grips with it," Xander replied. "Coming out of it to find I'd mortally wounded an unrepentant mass murderer was a relief."

"You actually mean that," Raven said.

"Considering what I could have been ordered to do?" Xander asked.

"I can't think of anything worse than to suddenly find I'd been forced to kill someone," Robin said.

"Then I both, envy and pity you," Xander replied.

"What?" Beast Boy asked confused.

"I'm guessing he can think of a lot worse things and envies the fact that Rob can't," Cyborg said.

"Pretty much," Xander agreed. "Pizza?"

"Don't mind if I do," Robin said, accepting a slice, his tone of voice saying the subject of discussion was over with for now.

"Where am I bunking?" Xander asked.

"We've got plenty of room, just pick one," Cyborg said cheerfully, in between bites of pizza.

"Until I can avoid being mind controlled I'll have to stick close to Raven," Xander decided. "You can control me, right?"

"Most people would consider that a bad thing," Raven drawled out.

"I seriously doubt you'd order me to do anything I'd disagree with," Xander replied. "I'm more concerned with being controlled by villains and being forced to hurt innocent people."

"The room next to mine will work," Raven offered, seeing the sense in his idea.

"We are to be roommates?" Starfire asked curiously, a broad smile on her face.

"The other side of my room," Raven corrected, causing Starfire to pout.

"It's pretty empty," Cyborg warned. "We didn't set this place up for company."

"As long as it has a TV and a futon, I'll be fine," Xander promised. "Did Bats return my luggage yet?"

"He's still running tests," Robin replied. "I'll get you the basics in the meantime. Any allergies?"

"Authority," Xander replied mock seriously.

"I'm sorta that way with responsibility," Beast Boy said cheerfully as Cyborg laughed.

"Don't we know it," Raven said with a sigh.

"No food allergies, magic cast on me has a tendency to go wrong, and I attract female demons," Xander listed off causing everyone to stare at him.

"Magic goes wrong?" Beast Boy asked curiously.

"It could have been novice mistakes or the influence of the Hellmouth, but some of the spells cast around me have gone seriously awry," Xander warned them.

"What's a Hellmouth?" Robin asked.

"A dimensional weak point," Raven replied, taking a closer look at Xander.

"Imagine living in a Stephen King novel," Xander said, as he thought about how best to explain it.

"Dude, seriously?" Beast Boy asked.

"Reality isn't really all that stable there and I've seen people's nightmares come to life," Xander explained. "One girl who was ignored or overlooked by everyone turned invisible. Naturally it attracts demons like moths to a candle flame."

"Why do people still live there?!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

Xander shrugged. "It's got a good school system and the best housing prices in California."

The Titans exchanged glances.

"Your people are very strange," Starfire told Robin.

"Sounds like the town needs a hero or five," Cyborg said.

"It's got one or two," Xander assured them. "If Sunnydale didn't have any, you'd know. Trust me on that."

"So basically, you grew up in a Stephen King novel," Beast Boy said. "Okay, I can see why you aren't upset about ganking Black Manta, I mean he was clearly a bad guy and you were being controlled, it's not part of some weird plot to raise Cthulhu."

"Straight forward, no hidden evils, everything easy to understand," Xander agreed.

"And you couldn't have explained this to the Justice League?" Robin asked. "It would have made things a lot easier."

Xander shrugged. "Batman rubbed me the wrong way and tried to steal my stuff, I'm the type to take offense at that and can hold a grudge. And… I have no idea why I'm telling you all this." He frowned.

Raven raised a hand. "Lesson one, attacks don't come at predetermined times when you're prepared to repel them, in fact they almost never do. You have to be on guard at all times, not just for obvious attacks but for subtle ones as well, like an empath encouraging you to be open and honest."

Xander groaned. "And resisting encouragement to do something you are already inclined to do is even more difficult."

Raven nodded. "You aren't entirely untutored."

"No, I learned a bit about resisting possession after… I mean, no I'm not," Xander agreed, forcing himself to stop talking.

"You're learning," Raven stated, pleased he'd caught on even if she was curious to learn more about him and the place where he'd grown up.

"I didn't know you could do that," Beast Boy said.

"There's a lot about me you don't know," Raven replied.

"Doesn't mean we don't want to know, nor are we unwilling to listen," Xander said, looking into her eyes.

Raven opened her mouth and then quickly shut it, looking a bit shocked before schooling her features. "I have to go meditate," she said, quickly leaving.

The table fell silent for a minute until Cyborg asked, "Are you an empath? Cause it looks like you turned her attack back on her and almost succeeded."

"I'm not an empath," Xander said, waving him off. "I am, however, empathetic. So all I really did was open myself up to her."

"How is that different?" Robin asked.

"Because lying with ones emotions is very difficult," Starfire said knowledgeably. "Genuine emotions are inherently honest. It is how we all connect to one another."

"Raven's really not the sharing type," Cyborg said.

"And my best friend didn't like parties," Xander said with a shrug." Doesn't mean she didn't like being invited."

"I always feel like I'm bugging her when I invite her to stuff," Beast Boy said.

"You are," the rest of the Titans chorused.

"You don't just ask, you badger," Cyborg pointed out.

"I thought you used the puppy to try and get her to do things," Starfire said confused. Beast Boy turned into a little green puppy and gave her a pleading look. "Yes, like that!"

"Doing things to the point of annoyance is known as badgering someone," Robin explained.

"It's because badgers are very stubborn animals that do what they want regardless of danger," Cyborg added.

"Oh, I see!" Starfire said brightly, the orange skinned aliens' green eyes lighting up.

"I'll try to dial it back a little," Beast Boy said, opening another pizza.

"Good luck with that." Robin snorted.

"Yeah, you don't have a low setting. It's either full-stop or charge," Cyborg said.

"So what's the weirdest thing you've seen?" Beast Boy asked Xander, shamelessly changing the subject.

"Most of it was more deadly than weird," Xander said thoughtfully considering what he could share that had happened publicly. "Hansel and Gretel turned out to be an illusion that a demon used to make the townsfolk kill off all their magic users so it could safely feed on them, for instance."

"Hansel and Gretel, like the story?" Cyborg asked.

"Yeah, turns out it was a demon who was the basis for the entire thing," Xander replied.

"How'd that turn out?" Robin asked.

"One of the posts they tied the witches to, for burning, got ripped out of the ground and driven through the demon, breaking the spell and dispersing the mob. One of the witches turned herself into a rat with a backfiring spell, but everyone else was fine. Which reminds me, anyone know how to turn a witch back to human, who's stuck in rat form?" Xander said hopefully.

"I'll send a message to Batman, I'm sure he knows someone," Robin offered.

"I appreciate it," Xander said.

"Cool story, now let me tell you about the time we all got turned into animals," Beast Boy said with a grin. "Raven was the cutest little bunny!"

"I'm listening," Xander said, amused by the thought of a bunny Raven.

 **0o0oo0o0o0o0o0**

Xander stepped into his temporary room and poked around. Just as described it was pretty bare, not even up to motel standards, but it had a good sized TV and its own bathroom, so he was satisfied.

Turning on the TV he flipped through the channels, amazed at how many there were until he found a women centric station and waited for the commercials.

"At Bed, Bath and Beyond –" the ad began, when Xander sunk his hands into the screen, pulling out a stack of thick and fluffy towels, before grabbing a matching robe and additional bathing supplies.

 **0o0oo0o0o0o0o0**

"It's a power cell," Superman explained.

"But how did it get on the bike and why does it bear your symbol?" Batman asked.

"Beats me," Superman said with a shrug. "If I was to hazard a guess, I would say it was a trade item from before Krypton's destruction. While very insular, Krypton did engage in some limited trade beyond their system. The only one who would have the records to track its sale and shipment would be Brainiac."

"Not curious?" Batman asked surprised.

"Structural analysis says it's from before Krypton's destruction and has spent the majority of its time in space around several different stars of varying types," Superman explained. "It's the equivalent of a car battery of no real significance, other than having been created by my family's factory for trade."

Batman nodded. "The leather on the seat is Czarnian skin."

"Surprising and tasteless," Superman said, shaking his head. "Of course, having met Lobo, I'm not as sympathetic or shocked as I might have been otherwise. At best it was a minor annoyance for whoever was skinned, considering their healing factor."

Batman was speechless for a moment before nodding. "I'll give you that. Still nothing about this makes any sense. We have dozens of clues that seem to suggest half a dozen different answers, none of which fit the Titans' preliminary report about the boy."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually," Superman assured him.

"It's like he was coated in glue and rolled in strange items," Batman said, shaking his head. "It's almost enough to make me consider Blue Devil's theory about weirdness magnets!"

"Shayera said the axe was at least a century old, but since weapons are passed down family lines it could have been used by one of the soldiers during the invasion," Superman offered.

"That just proves my point," Batman said with a frown.

"Manhunter to Batman," Johnn's voice came over the com.

"Batman here," he instantly replied.

"The Joker has escaped while in transit to Arkham, just thought you might want to know," The Martian told him.

"I'm on it. Batman out," he replied and turned to face Superman. "Harris can wait, he's not a current threat."

"I'll keep you notified of anything else I discover," Superman promised.

Batman nodded and vanished at the tap of a button.

Superman turned and scanned the Motorcycle Harris had been riding once more. "It's almost like he built it from the remains of several invasions. Nah, what are the odds of his finding just the right pieces after each attack?" Superman headed out, leaving the table filled with neatly labelled tags on all of Xander's possessions behind.

 **Typed By – Sitheus Maximus**


	4. Chapter 4

Xander looked around Raven's room. It was nearly as bare as his had been last night, having a few items of mystical study, but little else.

"It helps me stay calm and aids my meditation," Raven said, answering his question before he asked it. "Have a seat."

Lacking anywhere to sit, Xander sat on the bed. "What are we going to do on the bed?" he asked, trying to sound earnest and clueless.

"Meditate," Raven said, turning away to hide her blush. "You do know I can read your mind, right?"

Xander shrugged. "The average male thinks about sex every twelve seconds, trying not to just makes it worse."

"Point taken," Raven said with a sigh. "Most of the time that's not a problem as the majority of those thoughts take place in the subconscious. Normally I can't hear people's subconscious thoughts, but yours are... open."

"Which is the reason we are here," Xander reminded her.

Raven nodded and sat next to Xander. "We'll start with some basic meditation exercises that are designed to help you get in touch with your subconscious and learn to distinguish its effects on your mood and behavior."

"I know a bit about that already, it was necessary because of my unique situation," Xander said honestly. "If I didn't, I would have a lot more trouble not eating every herbivore I come across. You have no idea how many vegans there are until you find yourself considering them food."

"You aren't joking," Raven said, surprised.

"My subconscious labels plant eaters as prey," Xander explained. "I had no idea the human nose was even capable of distinguishing between meat eaters and food- I mean prey- erm, vegans."

A scuttling sound came from underneath Raven's bed, causing her to roll her eyes. "No eating Beast Boy," she deadpanned.

"No promises," Xander replied with a smirk, having heard movement under the bed when he'd entered the room and guessed who it might be.

A small green cockroach shot out from under the bed and zipped under the door to the hall.

Raven suddenly blushed and Xander grinned. "Pretty sure that won't occur either, he's not my type," he said, knowing where her mind had went.

"Now you've got me doing it," Raven said with a sigh.

"Let the hentai flow through you," Xander said in a mock Emperor Palpatine voice. "The more you resist the more it pulls you in."

Raven's shadow picked up a pillow and hit Xander with it, surprising them both.

"I need to meditate," Raven said solemnly. "We'll have to continue this later."

"I'm going to go. Try not to think of purple elephants," Xander told her, just before his stomach growled. "I think I'll go have lunch."

Raven frowned, her mind was now filled with thoughts of purple elephants, breaking her out of the perverted loop she was in. She'd already regained her center by the time the door closed behind Xander. "This is going to be more challenging than I thought," she admitted.

 **OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Ahhh!" Beast boy screamed and ran out of the kitchen when Xander entered.

"What's with him?" Cyborg asked, perplexed.

"He decided to listen in on my therapy session with Raven," Xander replied.

"And?" Cyborg asked.

"He found out that I can actually tell vegans by smell and class them with herbivores, as food," Xander replied.

"You eat people?!" Cyborg exclaimed in shock.

Xander rolled his eyes. "Of course I don't eat people."

"Ahh, sorry," Cyborg said, calming down.

"As if vegans were really people," Xander said, shaking his head before frowning, "Ignore that bit, I'm still working on some things."

"You eat... humans?" Cyborg asked cautiously.

"No," Xander said, shaking his head firmly. "I don't eat anything that can talk, vegetarian or not, it's just that my subconscious mind sees plant eaters as food."

"Weird," Cyborg said, shaking his head, then trying not to laugh as he considered Beast Boy's reaction.

"And speaking of food, what do we have in the way of it?" Xander asked.

Cyborg opened the fridge and looked inside, noting a wide variety of Beast Boy's tofu meat substitutes. "What say we hit the town for some food?"

"You buying?" Xander asked. "Because Batman still has all my stuff, including almost all my road trip fund."

"Not a problem, I'm loaded," Cyborg assured him. "I was planning on picking you up a bunch of stuff anyway, since you'll be hanging around us for a while." Cyborg lead Xander down to the dock so they could take a boat to the city.

"I've already got most of it covered," Xander assured him. "Except for possibly hitting up a magic shop and grabbing some movies."

"You sure?" Cyborg asked as they stepped aboard a speedboat that started up automatically.

"Positive," Xander assured him. "Clothes, toiletries, and furniture are all good. I just need some basic magic supplies and some stuff to keep me entertained."

The boat steered itself while they talked, but since Cyborg didn't seem concerned, Xander wasn't either.

"You're a magic user?" Cyborg asked.

"No more than a script kiddie is a hacker," Xander said, knowing Cyborg would get the reference. "I can only do the most basic things that anyone can do. I can cleanse a room of bad vibes, ward against evil spirits, and make a damn good dream catcher. The only active magic ability I really have is the ability to levitate a pencil."

"I thought magic was either flying around changing people into animals or complete null with nothing in-between," Cyborg admitted.

"For every 'invent anti-gravity' scientist you have thousand upon thousand 'improve my TV reception' types," Xander explained. "Magic is the same way, except so few people get involved in it that you really don't see many of the 'coat hanger and rabbit ears' types."

"Only those with a lot of potential get involved," Cyborg said thoughtfully.

"And the ones who don't, don't make waves," Xander said. "I use it to help me get a good night's sleep and I'm working up to 'able to retrieve the remote without getting off the sofa'."

Cyborg laughed. "That would be pretty cool. You give lessons?"

"I'll teach you what I know," Xander replied, watching the approaching shoreline, "and after that five minutes is up you can read ahead."

Cyborg grinned. "Sounds like fun. Where to first?"

"It's your town, what do you suggest?" Xander asked.

"Bob's Burgers," Cyborg said confidently. "They have the best burgers in town, plus the owner's youngest daughter keeps trying to find a code on her universal remote that will allow her to control me and that's always fun."

"Pretty sure that's wasted effort," Xander said with a snicker.

"Occasionally I pretend she gets a code right and activates something," Cyborg admitted. "She gets so excited that it's always fun to watch."

"Dinner and a show, I like it!" Xander agreed as his stomach growled.

"Let's hurry before you take a bite out of a tourist," Cyborg joked while wirelessly calling for a cab.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Your aura looks lighter," Raven noted as Xander and Cyborg returned carrying a half dozen shopping bags.

"A combination of time away from the Hellmouth and at least three impromptu cleansing spells and one exorcism," Xander replied.

"The shop keepers trying to banish evil spirits when you entered the shop wasn't all that surprising, considering what Raven said about your aura, but when we stopped for holy water and that priest leapt out?! I did not see that coming," Cyborg said shaking his head.

Xander shrugged. "I'll take any free cleansings they're willing to give me."

"Even taking into account the fact that you've lived on the Hellmouth your entire life, your aura should not be that dark," Raven said.

Xander opened his mouth to reply, paused and checked to see if he was being influenced to answer. Raven smiled slightly and nodded, pleased to see he'd been listening to her and taking her words about mental influences to heart.

"While I don't have to answer this one, logically I probably should," Xander decided. "I've been present at some pretty major events, including the opening of the Hellmouth. I've spent a decent amount of time standing directly over it and fighting demons, so my aura being not exactly sunshine and puppies? Not remotely a surprise."

Raven nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Xander replied, unable to think of anything else to say. He turned to Cyborg. "Ready to see if you have any mystical potential?"

"Sure the metal won't interfere?" Cyborg replied, rapping on the metal section of his skull with a metal fist.

"You aren't fae and this isn't Harry Potter," Xander replied. "None of that should have any effect."

"Excellent, let's see if I can make with the magic," Cyborg said eagerly.

"What method are you planning on using?" Raven asked curiously.

"The light brite method," Xander replied. "A simple crystal focus, since we aren't checking for anything more than just the amount of mojo and a hint of its type."

"Would you mind if I watched?" she asked.

"The more the merrier," Xander said, hitting the button for the elevator.

"Wouldn't you have noticed if I had any mojo?" Cyborg asked Raven as they entered the elevator.

"I'd notice if you cast any spells," Raven said thoughtfully, "but magical potential has to be exercised regularly for others to sense it."

"Like a body builder," Xander added. "If you lift, regular people can tell, but if you don't, no one can just see the potential without the right equipment."

"A strange analogy, but it works," Raven said after a moment's thought.

The three exited the elevator and headed for Xander's room, ignoring the squeak and flash of green as Beast Boy fled.

"At least half of that is him playing it for laughs," Raven told Xander.

"I figured," Xander replied. "I was the joker for my group, so I get it."

"You were the joker?" Cyborg asked, surprised. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I-" Xander shook his head and swallowed what he'd been about to say. "Someone has to keep everyone from snapping from stress."

Raven nodded. Being an empath she was acutely aware of how much Beast Boy's antics helped the group relax and blow off steam. She subtly increased Xander's urge to open up and make friends with them.

"Bell, book, and candle?" Raven asked as Xander opened the door to his room.

"Chalk, crystal, and candle," Xander replied as he entered his room.

The two Titans looked around his room.

"OK, I'll bite," Cyborg said, "where did you get all the stuff?"

The single bed that had been in the room had been replaced by a king size four poster bed with canopy. The simple dresser had been replaced by a pair of nightstands, a full sized dresser with mirror, a roll top desk, and an expensive looking wardrobe in the corner.

"That's... a missing Monet," Cyborg said, scanning a painting on the wall. "It's authentic!"

Raven turned to Xander. "You are amused. Despite all the effort and expense it would take to pull this off, this was just done as a joke."

Xander grinned.

"I think it's time for another lesson," Raven said. "Sometimes even when you see the attack coming, you won't be able to resist it head on, you have to learn to deflect."

Xander felt his toes curl as Raven smiled at him and laid a hand on his arm and leaned in close enough for him to look down her shirt, the slight heat he felt in her presence increased to a comfortable warmth.

"Is that an Addams Family Pinball machine?!" Cyborg exclaimed in shock.

Xander got a dopey look on his face as he slid an arm around the dark haired mystic.

"Would you mind telling me how you did all this?" Raven asked softly.

 ***SMACK***

"Not by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin," Xander told her as she leapt back and rubbed her butt.

Raven quickly regained control over herself. "I can feel your emotions. You didn't defend against that at all. In fact, you still feel enthralled."

"I am completely enthralled by you," Xander agreed, running his eyes up and down her body, causing her to wrap herself in her cloak.

"You aren't behaving like you are," she said as he stepped closer to her.

Xander took one of her hands and kissed her palm. "Not everyone responds the same way."

Raven quickly stopped what she was doing and reclaimed her hand, pushing down her blush and preparing for him to get angry that she'd been manipulating him.

Xander blinked and reached down and adjusted himself. "Next time you test me like that... we should probably be alone." He grinned at her look of surprise and heavy blush.

"Woot! High score baby!" Cyborg cheered as the Addams Family Theme played on the pinball machine.

"I-" Raven stopped and shifted her shoulders. "How did you undo my bra?!"

Xander grinned. "OK, two active abilities."

"You aren't going to explain, are you?" she asked, sensing his amusement.

"You could always ask," Xander said, trying to sound as innocent and earnest as possible.

"I... have to go meditate," Raven said, quickly retreating.

"Multiball!" Cyborg cheered.

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	5. Chapter 5

"If you like you can have the pinball machine," Xander offered, already making plans to get the Twilight Zone one as a replacement.

"Seriously?!" Cyborg exclaimed excitedly.

"Sure," Xander replied. "It's not like it cost me anything."

Cyborg paused and thought for a moment. "That's a clue, isn't it?"

"Yep," Xander agreed. "But solve that mystery some other time, for now let's get with the mojo."

"Cool," Cyborg said, reluctantly abandoning the pinball machine. "When did you get a coffee table and couch?"

"While you were playing pinball," Xander replied. "Have a seat on the couch and let's see what kind of mojo you have."

"Alright," Cyborg said distractedly as he began to put certain facts together in his head.

"Hold this," Xander said, handing him a small crystal ball.

"We going to see the future?" Cyborg asked curiously as Xander drew a design in chalk and placing candles around it.

"More the present," Xander replied as he wrote out a few lines on a piece of paper and handed it to him. "We are going to poke the ball with your soul and see what its color is."

Cyborg read and memorized the paper at a glance before examining the crystal ball and what Xander was doing with a little more caution. "I happen to like my soul."

"We aren't removing it," Xander assured him. "You will simply be making a finger of your soul and poking it in the crystal to see what color it glows."

"As long as I get it all back," Cyborg said seriously.

"Relax, this isn't a soul-removal spell, you'll just be extending your own a bit, much like when Raven does her bird impression," Xander explained.

"Oh yeah, she's mentioned that's her soul," Cyborg replied relaxing a bit. "OK, what now?"

"I light the candles, throw a pinch of magic powder and you chant that little ditty I gave you while concentrating on touching the center of the Thesulah Orb with your soul. I'll dim the lights so we can see it clearly, as only the major players or those with a marrow focus from years of practice give a good light show."

"Sound doable," Cyborg replied with a smile. "You do know the little ditty you gave me just says 'Thoth is good, Thoth is wise' in ancient Egyptian, right?"

"As gods go, Thoth is a reliable one," Xander replied, "being a god of Knowledge he acts intelligently, rather than emotionally, which means if he has a problem with you he'll tell you so you can make amends, which is important with magic."

"Yeah, but I paged through a couple of the books you brought and they seem to argue that Hecate is the one to call on in magical matters," Cyborg pointed out.

"Hecate doesn't seem to like me," Xander explained. "No idea why and really it's just a theory, but it's why certain magics go wrong around me."

"What did you do to Hecate?" Cyborg asked.

"Nothing!" Xander exclaimed defensively. "I've never met her or even cast any spells when they started going wrong around me. It's a mystery and like I said, just a theory. Spells calling on Hecate, which are most of the ones I've been around, go wrong. Spells calling on Thoth are always helpful, thus Thoth rather than Hecate."

"OK, now what lead you to Thoth rather than another deity?" Cyborg asked curiously.

"Egypt is cool and none of them have a grudge against me," Xander replied cheerfully. "Plus they have a lot fewer worshipers these days, so I don't feel like I'm constantly interrupting them dealing with crisis of faith or a split in the church when I call them."

"You may be overthinking that a bit," Cyborg said, "but it does sound reasonable."

"Ready?" Xander asked, while lighting the candles.

"Yep, let's do this," Cyborg agreed, reading the chant aloud, alternating between English and Egyptian.

The air grew heavy as Xander threw a pinch of something into the air and got up to turn down the lights.

"Picture your soul like clay or water and push a tendril into the center of the globe, but don't stop chanting," Xander ordered. "The light may be dim but is should be visible."

Light flooded the room, causing them both to curse and cover their eyes.

"I thought it was supposed to be a dim light! Cyborg complained.

"For most of the population it would have been," Xander replied. "Congratulations you have a great deal of potential."

"Really?" Cyborg asked, forgetting his annoyance and looking excited.

"Definitely," Xander replied. "Can't say the exact type, as that light has almost a… sharp-edged white. White generally means no specialty, practice anything you like, but that's a softer white. I'm guessing your talent has few restrictions, but I'm no expert."

"So what now?" Cyborg asked.

"Now I teach you the all-important first exercise," Xander replied with a grin. "It is boring as hell and will probably take weeks before you see any results, but you need at least one hour of practice a day."

"I can spare an hour a day," Cyborg agreed.

"This is the exercise," Xander said, reaching into the bag and pulling out… a number two pencil.

Cyborg grinned. "You already told me about this one."

Xander sighed. "Fine, spoil my fun. Watch." He placed the pencil on the table and sat down in front of it. He stared at it intently and it trembled slightly, vibrating in place for a few seconds before slowly rising in the air and beginning to spin, one way and then the other.

"Cool!" Cyborg breathed out, the immense concentration Xander showed in performing this small feat making it seem more impressive than Raven's casual use of her powers to toss supervillains around.

The pencil clattered to the table and Xander sighed. "I have very little talent, what you just saw is the result of nearly two years of work, because it's not just power it's also control."

"And you expect me to get results in just a couple of weeks?" Cyborg asked in disbelief.

"One, you have a lot more power than I do, and two, I said you'd need that long just to get results not to do what I so," Xander explained. "In a couple of weeks you'll be able to make the pencil move without a problem, making it move slowly and in a specific direction is where control comes into it."

"Ahhh," Cyborg said sounding a bit disappointed but relieved.

"It won't take you nearly as long as me to reach the point I'm at, like I said magic's really not my thing, that's why I concentrate on the fun things I have an affinity for or I find useful," Xander assured him.

"Summoning a remote," Cyborg reminded him with a grin.

"Ever since I saw Star Wars I've been wishing I could do that," Xander replied. "Having a goal always helps, even if it's not one I can accomplish in less than a decade." Xander pointed his hand towards the remote and concentrated, but nothing happened.

Cyborg walked over and grinned at Xander before turning on the TV and reaching for the screen

 ***CLUNK***

"Damn, I thought I had it," he said, shaking his head.

Xander laughed. "It's a normal TV remote, I don't have one of Control Freak's special remotes, good guess though."

"I'll figure it out eventually," Cyborg said with an easy smile. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some research to do."

"Sure, catch you later," Xander said, blowing out the candles on the table and cleaning up.

A news program came on and Xander sighed as he saw he was still one of the top stories. It freeze-framed on a close-up of Xander with his axe buried in Black Manta's stomach as Black Manta struggled with an octopus the size of a car.

Xander reached into the screen and grabbed the axe from his frozen doppelganger, having to twist and turn it to pry it out of his hands.

"I need some paper towels," Xander muttered as he examined the blood-covered axe.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Dawn squealed as the news showed the battle with Black Manta.

"I can't believe Xander is getting in fights with supervillains," Willow groaned.

"I can," Buffy said bluntly.

"You can stop with the cheering," Joyce told Dawn, trying not to laugh. "This is the fifth time you've seen it."

"But he looks so heroic!" Dawn exclaimed, bouncing up and down in her seat.

"I don't believe the Justice League agrees with you," Buffy said amused.

"Probably because the Black Manta isn't a demon," Willow said.

"He has the kill count of one," Joyce pointed out.

"The report said he was affected by Aquaman's telepathic commands," Willow said. "Normally it only affects sea life but being possessed before probably screwed up his defenses."

"Halloween or hyena?" Buffy asked.

"Both?" Willow guessed unsure. "We've run into any number of things that could have been responsible."

"You should probably look into that," Joyce suggested.

"Think the Justice League is going to ask him to join?" Dawn asked her mother.

"It's possible," Joyce agreed tentatively.

"I wonder where he got that axe," Buffy said. "That was a really nice axe."

"It looks like it was copied from a Thangarian design," Willow said. "The Hawk People," she clarified, seeing Dawn looked confused.

"He was a huge fan," Buffy teased Willow, knowing about Xander's one-time crush on Shayera Hol and the failed attempt to get Willow to dress as her a couple of Halloweens ago.

"I like the way the armor looked on him," Dawn said.

"At least he put on armor before going after him," Joyce said. "A bit of armor can be a lifesaver."

Buffy sighed, not wanting to get into the same old argument. "Nobody makes anything in my size and what I can get would slow me down and make me much more likely to get hit."

"I know," Joyce assured her, "I just worry."

"I wonder what Xander is up to right now?" Dawn said.

"Probably getting training in mental defense from Martian Manhunter," Willow guessed, "or possibly Aquaman."

"You think they'll train him?" Buffy asked surprised.

"They took him into protective custody, I can't think of what else they'd do with him," Willow replied.

"Probably involves a lot of sitting around and meditating," Buffy said, recalling Giles trying to train her to resist mental influences. "I can just see him sitting impatiently while they ask him unanswerable questions."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"You need my pubic hair for what?!" Raven asked in disbelief.

"Dream catcher," Xander reminded her, holding up the circular reed frame that already held a thin net of her hair.

"That seems…" she trailed off.

"I only need a couple to finish it," Xander said persuasively. "I was planning to get them off the soap in your bathroom or shower, and I didn't want you to get the wrong idea."

"Wrong idea?" she asked, wondering what the right idea could possibly be.

"That I was going to use them on my own," he replied, sliding past her and into her bathroom.

Raven wasn't very knowledgeable on magic dealing with dreams, but she could easily see what kind of sympathetic effect that would have and could feel the mental representation of her emotions responding.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Happiness giggled and spin around, her pink cloak swirling. "Those sound like some fun dreams!"

The grey-cloaked representation of Raven's timidity bit her lip and softly offered, "Maybe he doesn't want to think of us that way? It's not like we're all that attractive."

Raven's bravery snorted. "Sorry wallflower, his emotions say different. I doubt it would take more than a few seconds to get him naked and in our bed!"

The orange-cloaked Raven seemed to consider the green one's words for a moment. "As long as he does most of the work, I could go for it."

The yellow-cloaked, glasses-wearing representation of Raven's intellect spoke up, "While he obviously has the desires of a healthy young male, he has also shown considerable restraint. When we enthralled him he made his desires known, but was waiting for a clear signal of acceptance before acting on them."

Raven's passion simply licked her lips. "Mama likes!" she declared with a purr.

The Raven in a brown cloak burped and scratched herself. "I wouldn't mind getting a little sticky," she announced, surprising none of them.

The four-eyed, red-cloaked representation of Raven's anger and the strongest connection to her demonic power was strangely silent, sitting in midair and meditating.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander returned with half a dozen short hairs in his hand. "OK, now the reason we need pubic hairs is not primarily sexual in nature or we would attach them near the center," he explained, rejoining Starfire and Raven around the table he'd brought to Raven's room to show them how to make dreamcatchers of their own.

"What is the reason and what would happen were we to put them near the center?" Starfire asked curiously.

"Placed around the edge they help filter out childish fears that we developed during childhood and may still be affecting us emotionally," Xander explained cheerfully, holding up his own dreamcatcher and showing where he'd attached his own. "Placed near the center it encourages dreams of a sexual nature. Lovers would often make dreamcatchers with a couple of pubic hairs from each other to form a sympathetic connection in their dreams, allowing them to form a stronger bond as it would guide the dreams toward what they both desired rather than just the dreamer's."

"You've really studied the subject," Raven said, pleased at how thorough his explanations were.

"The Hellmouth affects everyone for miles around and you're most vulnerable when you sleep," Xander replied. "The number of times I've been mentally screwed with is pretty high, so I did my homework on the subject, plus it is both interesting and useful."

"If you've done this much research into the subject how did Aquaman control you?" Raven asked curiously.

"Psionic energy is short range in nature, however it propagates through the astral plane which is also how magical attacks target the mind, so everything I learned was concentrated on astral defense," Xander explained. "The odds of me running into a telepath are low to start with and the odds of me being close enough for the commands to be transmitted through the air is just plain laughable." Xander chuckled. "The strongest telepath ever recorded only reached half a city block in the open air before the signal degraded to noise."

"How far away were you when Aquaman sent out his call?" Raven asked.

"Over three and a half miles away," Xander said seriously.

"That is frightening," Starfire said honestly, as she ran her fingers along her own dreamcatcher nervously.

"I'm hoping your astral defenses failed," Raven said. "It is an unusual form of telepathy he possesses after all."

"That is a happy thought," Xander said perking up.

"And in a change of subject to a non-scary one, may I have some of your pubic hairs, please?" Starfire asked cheerfully.

"What?" Raven asked.

"Oh and some of yours too!" Starfire assured her.

 **Typing by: Jarreas**


	6. Chapter 6

***beep* *beep* *beep***

Xander woke up and scowled at his alarm. He'd been having a very nice dream involving two of his new friends.

He quickly got ready for the day, coming out of the bathroom to find an exhausted Control Freak on his sofa. "What's up?"

"Stumbled into the Karate Kid training montage on my way here," Control Freak replied tiredly.

Xander chuckled. "Do that twice a week and you'll end up ripped as Robin."

Control Freak's eyes widened. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you were too busy having fun?" Xander guessed as he got dressed. "I mean, you get to play with all the toys of mankind's imagination, that is one hell of an amusement park."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," he admitted. "The montage was exhausting, but it might just be worth it to get in shape, not to mention learning martial arts."

"You could get a copy of an old Captain America movie and steal the super soldier formula," Xander said. "That would be a huge shortcut to fitness."

"I… I'm an idiot," Control Freak groaned as he realized how little of what he had access to he actually used.

"Some things are only obvious when pointed out by others," Xander replied. "Sliced bread was only invented in the last century and how obvious is that?"

"Huh," Control Freak said thoughtfully. "Still… I really should do something about the whole… mind, body thing."

"Go into Kung Fu: The Series and do those montages if you're worried about it, they are all about the mind and the body," Xander suggested.

"That would be awesome," Control Freak said. "Any other ideas?"

"Steal some Sensu Beans from Dragon Ball Z and take one between montages so you don't have to wait to recover," Xander said.

"Where do you come up with these things?!" Control Freak demanded. "I've had this ability for over a year and I never thought of them!"

Xander laughed. "Dude, me and my friend Jesse spent years talking about what we'd do with this ability, also if we could go into books or any of a dozen other things. Trust me, none of this is off the cuff."

"And now I feel better about things, thanks," Control Freak said cheerfully. "I think I'll get started on that right now."

"No problem," Xander replied. He retrieved his axe from the top of the dresser. "And now I'm off to have breakfast and train."

"Or you could go into a Conan the Barbarian movie and go through one of his montages," Control Freak pointed out.

"I could, but part of this is bonding with the Titans, and revealing I have my axe, so I can annoy Batman," Xander said cheerfully. "Also breakfast."

Control Freak laughed. "Have fun bro, I am off to seek enlightenment and Sensu Beans."

"Have fun."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Robin looked up from his breakfast and raised an eyebrow. Apparently Batman had returned Xander's axe. He hadn't been expecting that. It seemed Xander was right about the League having no claim on his possessions despite their origins.

"Good morning," Xander said cheerfully, seeing Robin and Cyborg at the table. "Mind if I grab some breakfast?"

"Help yourself, Cereal's on top of the fridge," Cyborg said. "What's with the axe?"

"Practice," Xander replied. "I can't afford to get out of shape."

"Good attitude," Robin said with approval. "What type of training regimen do you do?"

"Well, normally just staying alive and fighting monsters provides more than enough exercise, but in this case I will be working on engraining some basic axe swings into muscle memory, since I have used one a total of three times," Xander said. "I'll probably swim a couple of laps around the island after that."

"Can you do a couple of laps around the island?" Cyborg asked, surprised.

"I'm part fish," Xander reminded him.

"Huh, forgot about that," Cyborg said.

Xander poured himself a bowl of cereal and joined them at the table.

"I'm surprised you don't have more experience with an axe," Robin said curiously, "most heroes specialize in a specific weapon, especially if they get their hands on one that's useful."

"I usually use a wooden stake or crossbow and occasionally a sword," Xander replied. "Axes are heavy and slow and hard to hide."

"Wooden stakes and crossbows?" Cyborg asked, surprised.

"Vampires," Xander replied. "I spend eighty percent of my time fighting vampires and they are much faster than humans."

"That often?" Cyborg asked in shock.

"I told you I basically live in a Stephen King novel," Xander reminded them.

"Yeah, but I didn't think you meant literally!" Cyborg complained. "Or maybe just not to that degree," he added a moment later. "It's still hard to process."

Xander snickered. "Sunnydale has the death rate of Detroit and a good number of them don't stay dead. Thank god for the summer lull."

"Sun gods are at their most potent during the summer which would cause Vampires to be more docile," Cyborg said. Xander's stupefied expression made him laugh. "I got some reading done last night."

"More than a little I'd say," Xander said, "None of us at home ever figured out what was going on during the summer. Heck, Willow even guessed they went on vacation."

"Oh glorious morning!" Starfire announced as she flew into the room, literally lighting up the place.

"Now that's a sunny disposition," Cyborg said with a grin.

"That reminds me, I have to call Joyce and let the gang know I'm ok," Xander said. "They're probably concerned as they've no doubt caught the news by now."

"Probably a good idea," Cyborg said. He gestured to a phone on the wall.

"Thanks," Xander said, getting up and grabbing the phone off the charger. He dialed in the number from memory. "Good morning, Joyce… Yeah, I'm fine… Aquaman has one hell of a right hook… He didn't know he was controlling me… Yeah, it's the fish in me… Actually Raven of the Teen Titans is teaching me… I will… Yes, I promise… Ok, put her on… Hey, Dawnie… Of course… No, I'm not going anywhere, I promise… I'll be back at the end of summer… Maybe a little before, but no promises… Tell everyone I love them… Of course I love you the most, bye!"

"That went a lot better than I thought it would," Robin said, amused at how easily Xander's friends seem to have accepted what had happened.

"Yeah, weren't they even a little surprised?" Cyborg asked in disbelief.

"Not really," Xander replied. "It was one of the least weird things to happen to me."

"You live in a Stephen King novel," Robin reminded himself.

"Name one stranger thing," Cyborg requested curiously.

"I would also enjoy hearing a tale of your life," Starfire said, grabbing herself a bottle of mustard from the fridge and taking a swig.

"Alright," Xander agreed. "Let me tell you the bizarre and embarrassing tale of Miss French, my science teacher."

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Raven woke up with a start and quickly took a cold shower while her shadow-self flicked small objects around the room for no apparent reason.

After her shower she meditated a little, finally getting her emotions to calm down and her shadow-self to stop rearranging the furniture.

"I've never had dreams like that before," she said, glancing at her dream catcher, but a quick touch of her shadow showed no one but her had touched it.

Heading down for breakfast she met up with Beastboy.

"Rae!" he greeted her cheerfully.

Raven sighed. "Let me get some tea," she said.

"Oh yeah, not a morning person," Beastboy said, nodding and trying to tone down his natural exuberance.

"So there I am, chained to the wall in my science teacher's basement in my underwear, when Buffy and Willow bust in with a boombox and a baseball bat," Xander explained to the fascinated Titans as the two entered the dining room.

"Is this story as exciting as I think it is?" Beastboy asked hopefully.

"Yeah, but probably not in the way you're thinking," Xander said. "Willow hit play on the boombox and the room was blasted by ultrasonic screams of the common bat, magnified god only knows how much and Miss French twitches like she's having a seizure and turns into a giant Praying Mantis."

"That did not go anywhere I expected it to," Beastboy admitted.

"Same here," Raven admitted, going to make tea but listening closely to the rest of his story.

"That's why your former science teacher was found headless," Robin realized.

"Yep, she mated with him, killed him, and then took his place," Xander said. "Buffy beat her to death with a baseball bat, but even though the sound of the bat was causing her seizures it was a close battle."

"She was a meta?" Beastboy asked cautiously.

"No, she was a demon, possibly an offshoot of the succubus line," Xander said. "Thankfully they are rare."

"And what made this an embarrassing story?" Starfire asked curiously.

"She only hunted virgins," Xander explained, getting a round of laughter from everyone but Raven.

"That is one strange story," Robin said. "But why did she have you and your friend in the basement if she had already mated with the science teacher?"

"Because they mate multiple times a season," Xander explained. "I found an egg sac with sixteen eggs in the supply cabinet of the science room."

"What did you do with the eggs?" Raven asked.

"Stuck them in the freezer in my basement," Xander replied.

"Shouldn't you have destroyed them?" Robin asked.

"It's not their fault who their parents are," Xander replied. "Besides, their father was one of the few teachers I actually liked. I've got a lot more questions to ask about her species before I write them off as evil or a threat."

"Most people wouldn't hesitate," Raven noted, pouring her tea.

"Life is rarely that simple," Xander said. "I can't tell you the number of times we found out the villain of the week wasn't nearly as villainous as we thought they'd be. Things would be a lot easier if they were."

"I hear you," Beastboy said.

"Still, you'd expect situations involving demons to at least be black and white," Cyborg said.

"Nope, the colors are darker, but I've run into demons I prefer to some humans and humans as dark as the worst demons we've faced," Xander said.

"If you hadn't been under Aquaman's thrall, how would you have handled the situation with Black Manta?" Robin asked.

"I would have left it to Aquaman," Xander said. "I'm not skilled enough to face villains without going for the kill. I know my limitations."

"Were all the situations you faced life or death?" Beastboy asked.

"Probably," Xander said as he thought about the last three years. "Not always a lethal threat to me, but usually to someone."

"Doesn't anyone simply steal things?" Robin asked.

"Sure, but usually that's heading up to some sort of human sacrifice," Xander explained.

"And here I thought you were callous about taking a human life while the truth is you're rarely in a situation that doesn't end in death," Robin said. "Sorry for the attitude when you first arrived."

"Its fine," Xander assured him.

An alarm went off.

Robin whipped out his communicator. "Hive again," he growled out.

"An excellent start to the day," Starfire said brightly. "Would you like to 'ride along'," she asked hopefully.

"I wouldn't mind seeing you guys in action," Xander agreed.

"Just hang back and watch," Robin ordered.

"Not a problem," Xander promised.

"Then … Titan's go!" Robin yelled, thrusting his fist in the air dramatically.

Xander snatched up his axe and chased after them as they'd all leapt up and run out, Raven and Starfire taking to the air.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Xander watched the fight, staying well back from the action.

Starfire was exchanging blows with a huge guy who looked to have some Orc in his ancestry, named Mammoth. At the moment it seemed to be at a stalemate.

Turning to Raven, he saw she was exchanging magical blasts of energy with a girl who had the same grayish skin tone, but pink hair. They were also stalemated.

Cyborg and Beastboy were fighting some little bald kid with mechanical spider legs growing out of his backpack and a ton of clones of some guy who sounded like the reddest red neck who ever existed. Xander was pretty sure the guy was just overdoing his accent for a laugh.

And finally Robin was fighting some guy with a one eyed mask where half the mask was orange and the other half was black. He was pretty sure the guy was just toying with Robin. In fact he seemed to be training him.

After a few moments of watching, Xander ducked into Starbucks and ordered a dozen large mocha frappuccino's with lots of whipped crème and sprinkles, plus tons of cookies.

Walking up to Starfire and Mammoth, he said, "Break for a pick me up?"

 **5 Minutes Later**

Slade and Robin fought furiously, with Robin going all out and just barely keeping pace with his foe.

"Damn, he's doing pretty well," Jinx said before sipping her drink.

"We're still getting paid, right?" Billy nervously asked, rubbing his head from where Cyborg had smacked him for trying to hog all the cookies.

"Our job is to keep the Titan's busy so he can fight uninterrupted," Jinx said, "we're still doing our job so we're still getting paid."

"And a lot less property damage that the city has to pay for," Mammoth offered.

Raven deflected a throwing disk with her shadow while sipping her coffee.

"Are you two related?" Xander asked as he looked from Jinx to Raven.

"I'm not even from this dimension," Jinx said, taking a moment to check Xander out.

"Neither am I," Raven said.

"Yes, but are you from the same dimension?" Xander asked.

"I think it's a man crush," Mammoth said suddenly, causing everyone to turn and stare at him. "What?"

 **Typing By: Abyssal Angel**

 **TN: *wince* Here's hoping the kid doesn't literally try to steal the Sensu Beans… Considering the average farmer's power level is a five, and most of the Z fighters consider 9000 to be low and probably don't go below one hundred, I'm pretty sure Korin would sense and smack poor Control Freak around for daring to try and steal his rare Sensu Beans…**


End file.
